10 Unique Conversation Starters Inspired by Your Partner's Culture
- Marvin Lucas
- Jan 5
- 7 min read
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." — Marcel Proust
Why Cultural Curiosity Changes Everything
After ten years of marriage, I thought I knew Sharisse's background. I'd met her family. I'd eaten the food. I'd celebrated the holidays. What more was there?
Then one evening, I asked a question I'd never thought to ask: "What's a childhood memory that only makes sense in your culture?"
Sharisse's eyes lit up. She told me about "sereno"—her grandmother's belief that the night air could make you sick. How her abuela would rush to close windows after sunset, how she'd bundle up the children even on warm evenings, how there was a whole world of superstitions and folk wisdom that shaped Sharisse's childhood.
This wasn't in any book about Puerto Rican culture. This was her lived experience, her specific family, her childhood world. And in ten years, I'd never asked.
That night launched us into a new phase of our marriage—one where cultural curiosity became part of our ongoing conversation, not something we'd "covered" and moved past.
Here are ten conversation starters that can open similar doors in your intercultural marriage.
The Power of the Right Question
Good conversation starters for intercultural couples share certain qualities:
They're specific, not general. "Tell me about your culture" is too broad. "What did your family do on Sunday mornings when you were eight?" invites a real memory.
They're invitational, not interrogational. The tone should be curiosity, not research. You're not filling out a survey; you're getting to know the person you love more deeply.
They lead to stories, not facts. Facts you can look up. Stories only your partner can tell. The goal is to hear narratives that reveal how culture shaped your partner's inner world.
They're ongoing, not one-time. Cultural exploration isn't a checklist. These conversations can return to the same themes over years, going deeper each time.
For more on communication in intercultural marriage, see our Complete Guide to Communication Mastery.
Conversation Starter 1: The Childhood Memory
"What's a childhood memory that only makes sense in your culture?"
Why It Works:
This question invites your partner to share something culturally specific from their formative years. You'll hear about experiences that shaped them—experiences you wouldn't think to ask about because you don't even know they exist.
Where It Can Lead:
Superstitions and folk beliefs
Specific foods and their meanings
Holiday traditions you don't celebrate
Rules that were specific to their household
Generational patterns
From Our Marriage:
When I asked this question, Sharisse told me about the importance of "bendición"—asking for a blessing from elders. Every time she left her grandparents' house, she'd say "Bendición, abuela" and receive "Que Dios te bendiga" in return. This daily ritual was completely foreign to my British-American upbringing, but understanding it helped me understand why Sharisse valued respectful partings with her family—why a casual "bye!" as we left felt insufficient to her.
Conversation Starter 2: The Family Phrase
"What phrase or expression did your family use that I wouldn't understand?"
Why It Works:
Every family has insider language. In intercultural families, this language often carries cultural weight. Learning these phrases gives you a window into unspoken family norms.
Where It Can Lead:
Untranslatable concepts
Cultural values embedded in language
Family humor and bonding
Warning phrases parents used
Expressions of love specific to their culture
From Our Marriage:
Sharisse taught me "no hay mal que por bien no venga"—there's no bad from which good doesn't come. Her family said this constantly. Understanding this phrase helped me understand their resilience, their optimism, their way of reframing setbacks. It also helped me understand why my British tendency toward pessimism sometimes felt foreign to her.
Conversation Starter 3: The Unwritten Rule
"What was a rule in your house growing up that was never explicitly stated but everyone knew?"
Why It Works:
Unwritten rules reveal cultural values. These are the expectations so ingrained that no one bothered to articulate them. Understanding your partner's unwritten rules helps explain behaviors that might otherwise seem arbitrary.
Where It Can Lead:
Gender expectations
Treatment of elders
Money and generosity norms
Hospitality expectations
Privacy boundaries
From Our Marriage:
An unwritten rule in Sharisse's house: you never showed up empty-handed. Bringing something—food, a gift, anything—was simply expected when visiting anyone. I grew up without this expectation and had to learn that my showing up without something in my hands read as disrespectful, even though it was normal for me.
Conversation Starter 4: The Pride Story
"What's something about your cultural background that makes you proud?"
Why It Works:
This question invites your partner to share what they value about their heritage. It's affirming and opens conversation about identity and belonging.
Where It Can Lead:
Historical contributions
Family traditions worth preserving
Values they want to pass on
Cultural achievements
Community strengths
How to Listen:
When your partner shares pride, receive it. Don't compare, minimize, or immediately share your own pride. Let them have the space to celebrate their heritage.
Conversation Starter 5: The Pain Story
"What's something difficult about your cultural background that I might not know?"
Why It Works:
Every culture carries wounds—historical trauma, systemic challenges, internal tensions. Understanding these helps you understand your partner's sensitivities and experiences.
Where It Can Lead:
Historical trauma
Stereotypes they've faced
Internal cultural conflicts
Immigration stories
Generational pain
Handle with Care:
This is vulnerable territory. Don't press if your partner isn't ready. Don't minimize their pain. Don't make it about your culture's struggles. Simply receive what they share with compassion.
From Our Marriage:
Sharisse has shared with me the pain of colorism within Latino culture—how skin tone created hierarchies even within her own family. Understanding this helped me understand sensitivities I would never have noticed otherwise.
Conversation Starter 6: The Holiday Question
"How did your family celebrate [specific holiday], and what did it mean?"
Why It Works:
Holidays reveal what cultures value. The specific ways your partner's family celebrated show you their priorities, their rituals, their ways of marking time.
Where It Can Lead:
Religious practices
Food traditions
Extended family dynamics
Gift-giving norms
What made a celebration "successful"
Be Specific:
Ask about holidays you don't share, but also ask about ones you do celebrate differently. Christmas means very different things in different cultures, even among Christians.
Conversation Starter 7: The Emotion Question
"How did your family express [specific emotion—love, anger, grief, pride]?"
Why It Works:
Emotional expression is deeply cultural. Understanding how your partner's family expressed emotions helps you interpret your partner's expressions—and have realistic expectations for how they'll express feelings.
Where It Can Lead:
Physical affection norms
Verbal vs. action-based love
Acceptable vs. unacceptable emotions
Grief rituals
Celebration styles
From Our Marriage:
In my family, love was shown through restraint—not burdening others with your feelings was a form of care. In Sharisse's family, love was effusive, physical, verbal, constant. Learning this helped me understand why my expressions of love sometimes felt insufficient to her, and why her expressions sometimes felt overwhelming to me.
For more on emotional expression across cultures, see our article on Emotional Safety and Vulnerability in Intercultural Marriage.
Conversation Starter 8: The Food Memory
"What food brings you back to childhood, and why?"
Why It Works:
Food carries emotional and cultural weight. This question invites stories that blend sensory memory with family narrative.
Where It Can Lead:
Comfort foods and their meanings
Family recipes and who made them
Holiday food traditions
Food restrictions and their reasons
Childhood treats
Make It Experiential:
After the conversation, offer to make or find the food together. Experiencing it brings the story to life.
Conversation Starter 9: The Family Role Question
"What was expected of you specifically in your family because of your position (oldest, youngest, only, gender, etc.)?"
Why It Works:
Family roles are culturally shaped. Understanding the expectations your partner grew up with helps explain current behaviors and sensitivities.
Where It Can Lead:
Responsibility expectations
Protection dynamics
Achievement pressure
Care-taking roles
How birth order played out culturally
From Our Marriage:
As the oldest daughter in her family, Sharisse carried specific responsibilities that I, as a middle child in mine, didn't understand. She was expected to be the second mother, the responsible one, the keeper of family harmony. Understanding this role helped me understand why she felt pulled to manage family situations that I thought were not our business.
Conversation Starter 10: The Future Question
"What from your cultural background do you want to pass on to our children / our life together?"
Why It Works:
This question looks forward. It invites your partner to articulate what matters enough to preserve, and opens conversation about what you're building together.
Where It Can Lead:
Values to preserve
Traditions to maintain
Language transmission
Religious/spiritual practices
Family connection patterns
From Our Marriage:
Sharisse wanted our children to speak Spanish, to know their grandmother's recipes, to understand the importance of family connection. Understanding what she wanted to preserve helped us make intentional choices about raising our children biculturally.
How to Use These Questions
Don't Stack Them
One good conversation starter can fuel an entire evening's conversation. Don't rush through a list.
Follow the Trail
Let your partner's answers lead to follow-up questions. The best conversations are organic, not scripted.
Share Your Own Answers
These work both ways. After your partner shares, share your own experience of the same question. This builds mutual understanding.
Return to Them
Your partner's answers may change over time, or they may have more to say later. Don't treat these as one-time conversations.
Write Down What You Learn
Some of what you hear will be worth remembering. Consider keeping notes on what you discover about your partner's background.
Your Action Plan
This Week:
Choose one conversation starter from this list.
Find an uninterrupted moment—dinner, a walk, bedtime.
Ask the question and listen deeply.
This Month:
Use at least three different conversation starters.
Notice what you learn about your partner that you didn't know.
Share your own answers when invited.
Ongoing:
Make cultural curiosity a habit, not a one-time project.
Let what you learn change how you understand your partner.
Return to these questions as your marriage deepens.
The Adventure of Knowing
Thirty years in, I'm still discovering things about Sharisse's background. Not because she was hiding them, but because I hadn't thought to ask. Every question opens new doors. Every story deepens my understanding. Every conversation makes our marriage richer.
Your partner carries a world inside them—a world shaped by cultural experiences you can't imagine until they share them. These conversation starters are invitations to explore that world together.
Ask the questions. Listen to the stories. Let your partner's culture become part of your shared adventure.
For more ways to connect with your partner, explore our Communication Mastery Guide and articles on active listening and marriage journal prompts.
Comments