Cultural Reflection: A Couples Therapy Exercise to Understand Each Other's Backgrounds

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." — Anaïs Nin

Why At-Home Exercises Matter

When I tell couples they could benefit from therapy, many hesitate. Logistics. Cost. Stigma. Or sometimes just the feeling that their marriage isn't "bad enough" to need professional help.

Here's the truth: you don't need to be in crisis to benefit from intentional relationship work. Some of the most valuable couples therapy exercises can be done at home, between the two of you, with nothing but time and intention.

This Cultural Reflection exercise is one that Sharisse and I have used—and recommended to countless couples over the years. It's designed specifically for intercultural marriages, helping partners understand how their cultural backgrounds shape their assumptions, reactions, and needs.

No therapist required. Just two committed partners willing to go deeper.

What This Exercise Accomplishes

Surface Hidden Assumptions

We all carry cultural assumptions we don't even know we have. They feel like "normal" rather than "cultural." This exercise surfaces those hidden beliefs, making them visible and discussable.

Build Empathy

When you understand why your partner does something—the cultural logic behind it—frustration often transforms into compassion. "Why do they always..." becomes "Ah, that makes sense given where they come from."

Prevent Future Conflicts

Many intercultural conflicts come from misunderstanding cultural differences as personal failings. This exercise creates a foundation of understanding that prevents those misattributions.

Deepen Intimacy

There's intimacy in being truly known. This exercise invites you to share parts of yourself that you may never have articulated—and to receive parts of your partner you didn't know existed.

For the broader context of communication skills, see our Complete Guide to Communication Mastery.

Preparation: Before You Begin

Schedule It

This isn't a conversation to squeeze in while cooking dinner. Block 90 minutes to 2 hours. Choose a time when you're both rested and emotionally available.

Create the Space

Sit facing each other. Put phones away. Create an environment that feels safe and unrushed.

Agree on Ground Rules

• What's shared stays between us

• No interrupting during sharing turns

• No judgment—only curiosity

• Either person can pause if emotions become overwhelming

Gather Materials

• Paper and pen for each person

• The topic prompts below

• Optional: meaningful object from each culture (photo, food, item)

The Exercise: Three Phases

Phase 1: Individual Reflection (20-30 minutes)

Each partner separately reflects on and writes responses to the following prompts. Don't discuss yet—just write your own thoughts.

Prompt Set A: Family Communication

1. How did your family handle conflict? Were disagreements expressed openly or avoided?

2. How were emotions expressed in your household? What emotions were acceptable? Which were discouraged?

3. What happened when someone was upset? How did your family comfort each other?

4. What topics were openly discussed? What topics were off-limits?

5. What did "respect" look like in your family? How was it shown?

Prompt Set B: Relationships and Roles

1. What did a "good marriage" look like in your cultural background? What were the husband's responsibilities? The wife's?

2. How were decisions made in your parents' marriage? Who had authority over what?

3. What role did extended family play in your family's life? What was expected from children toward parents and elders?

4. What did financial management look like in your family? Who controlled money? How were spending decisions made?

5. How much independence did individuals have within the family unit?

Prompt Set C: Values and Beliefs

1. What were your family's core values? What mattered most?

2. What did success look like in your family? What were you expected to achieve?

3. How did your family relate to the outside community? Were they more private or more connected?

4. What role did faith or spirituality play in your family? How was it practiced?

5. What from your cultural background are you most proud of? What do you find challenging?

Phase 2: Sharing and Listening (60-75 minutes)

Now you'll share your responses with each other. This is structured and intentional—not a conversation, but an exchange.

The Format:

For each prompt set (A, B, C), follow this pattern:

1. Partner 1 shares their responses (5-7 minutes)

• Read or summarize what you wrote

• Add context or stories as they feel relevant

• Partner 2 listens without interruption

1. Partner 2 reflects back (2-3 minutes)

• "What I heard you say is..."

• "What stood out to me was..."

• "I didn't know that about you..."

1. Switch roles (5-7 minutes sharing, 2-3 minutes reflection)

1. Brief discussion (5 minutes)

• What surprised you?

• What helps you understand your partner better?

• What do you want to know more about?

1. Move to the next prompt set

Critical Listening Guidelines:

• Listen to understand, not to respond or compare

• Notice your judgments—then set them aside

• Stay curious about differences rather than evaluating them

• If something doesn't make sense, ask gentle questions

Phase 3: Integration (15-20 minutes)

After sharing all prompt sets, discuss together:

Looking Back:

• What patterns did you notice in how your backgrounds differ?

• What makes more sense now about your partner's behavior or expectations?

• What do you appreciate about your partner's cultural background?

Looking Forward:

• Where might these differences create friction if we're not aware of them?

• What do we want to intentionally blend from both backgrounds?

• What do we want to do differently than either of our families of origin?

• How can we use what we learned today in future moments of misunderstanding?

Commitment:

• Each partner shares one thing they'll do differently based on what they learned.

• Schedule a follow-up conversation for 2-4 weeks later to check in on these commitments.

Sample Responses: From Our Marriage

To show what this exercise can surface, here are abbreviated examples from Sharisse and me:

On Conflict (Prompt Set A):

Marvin: "In my family, conflict was handled quietly. Raised voices were rare and meant something serious was wrong. We talked through disagreements calmly, often with long pauses. Walking away from a heated moment was seen as mature, not avoidant."

Sharisse: "In my family, conflict was loud and immediate. We said what we felt when we felt it. Walking away in the middle of a disagreement would have been insulting—it meant you didn't care enough to stay and fight it out. Silence meant you were really angry."

The Insight: No wonder we struggled with conflict early in our marriage. My withdrawal felt like caring to me and coldness to her. Her volume felt like engagement to her and attack to me. Neither of us was wrong—we were just speaking different conflict languages.

On Extended Family (Prompt Set B):

Marvin: "Extended family was important but maintained boundaries. We saw grandparents for holidays. We didn't expect to be involved in each other's daily lives or decisions. Support was offered if asked, not assumed."

Sharisse: "Extended family was central to everything. Multiple generations in constant contact. Major decisions involved family input. Not involving family would be an insult—like you didn't trust them or didn't think their wisdom mattered."

The Insight: This explained so much about our early conflicts around family involvement. I wanted boundaries she saw as rejection. She wanted inclusion I saw as intrusion. Understanding the cultural logic helped us build something new together.

Common Questions About This Exercise

What if one partner isn't comfortable with this level of sharing?

Go at the pace of the less comfortable partner. You can spread this exercise over multiple sessions. The goal is connection, not exposure. If forcing vulnerability, you undermine the exercise.

What if we discover differences that feel irreconcilable?

Discovering differences is not the same as being unable to navigate them. Most couples have significant differences. What matters is understanding and mutual respect, not perfect alignment. If something feels irreconcilable, that might be worth exploring with a professional.

Can we do this exercise more than once?

Yes. Many couples return to this exercise annually or during transitions. Your understanding of your own cultural background deepens over time. New insights emerge.

What if I don't know my cultural background well?

Work with what you have. "Culture" includes family culture, regional culture, religious culture, and more. Even if you can't name a broader cultural pattern, you can describe what you experienced in your specific family.

Additional Exercises for Ongoing Work

Once you've done the Cultural Reflection exercise, consider these ongoing practices:

Weekly Cultural Check-In

Each week, share one moment when cultural background influenced your reaction to something. Build awareness muscle together.

Cultural Appreciation Practice

Monthly, share something you appreciate about your partner's cultural background. What has their culture added to your life?

Conflict Autopsy

After conflicts, ask: "Was there a cultural component to that?" Examine whether different cultural expectations contributed to the clash.

For more exercises and questions, see our article on Weekly Check-In Questions for Intercultural Marriage.

Your Action Plan

This Week:

1. Discuss this exercise with your partner. Are you both willing?

2. Schedule a time to do the full exercise—protect at least 2 hours.

3. Print or write out the prompts so you're prepared.

During the Exercise:

1. Follow the structure. Don't shortcut.

2. Listen with genuine curiosity.

3. Take breaks if emotions become overwhelming.

After the Exercise:

1. Schedule a follow-up conversation for 2-4 weeks later.

2. Practice noticing cultural patterns in daily life.

3. Reference what you learned when future conflicts arise.

The Work That Transforms

This exercise takes time and intention. It asks you to be vulnerable about things you've never articulated. It requires you to listen without judging, to understand without fixing, to receive your partner's background as a gift rather than a problem.

That's hard work. But it's transforming work.

Sharisse and I have done versions of this exercise multiple times over our thirty years together. Each time, we learn something new. Each time, our understanding deepens. Each time, we become more skilled at navigating our differences.

Your cultural backgrounds shaped you before you met each other. This exercise helps you understand that shaping, so you can intentionally build something new together.

The deepest intimacy comes from being truly known. Let this exercise help you know—and be known.

For more communication practices, explore our Communication Mastery Guide and articles on conversation starters and 5-5-5 exercise.