5 Weekly Check-In Questions to Strengthen Your Intercultural Marriage

"The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships." — Tony Robbins

The Questions That Changed Everything

Friday evening. Kids in bed. Sharisse and I settled onto the couch with cups of tea. We had maybe thirty minutes before exhaustion would claim us.

"Ready?" I asked.

She nodded. "Question one."

This ritual—five questions, every week, without fail—has been the heartbeat of our marriage for over fifteen years. Simple questions. Profound impact.

We didn't invent the concept of weekly check-ins. But we discovered that standard check-in questions didn't quite fit our intercultural marriage. We needed questions that addressed what same-culture couples could take for granted.

These five questions have been refined through years of use. They take about 20-30 minutes to discuss. They surface issues before they become crises. They celebrate progress we might otherwise miss.

Here they are—and how to use them.

Before the Questions: Setting Up Your Check-In

Choose a Time

Pick a consistent time each week. Weekend evenings work for many couples. What matters is consistency and protecting the time.

Create Space

No phones. No screens. Face each other. Create an environment that signals: this matters.

Establish Rules

• Both partners answer each question

• Listen without interrupting

• No problem-solving during the check-in unless both want it

• What's shared stays between you

Rotate Who Goes First

Alternate who answers first each week. This prevents one partner from always setting the tone.

For the full marriage meeting structure, see our guide on Creating a Marriage Meeting Agenda.

Question 1: "What's one thing you appreciated about me this week?"

Why This Question Matters:

Starting with appreciation sets a positive tone. It trains both partners to notice the good, even during difficult weeks.

The Intercultural Angle:

Pay special attention to appreciations that involve cultural bridging: times your partner made effort with your family, learned something about your heritage, or adapted their behavior to honor your background.

Example Responses:

• "I appreciated how you explained our holiday plans to my mother. You didn't have to do that, and it meant a lot."

• "I appreciated the patience you showed when I was stressed about work. You gave me space without taking it personally."

• "I appreciated that you tried making that dish from my childhood. Even though it wasn't perfect, the effort touched me."

How to Receive:

Simply say "thank you." Don't deflect, minimize, or immediately reciprocate with your appreciation—wait your turn.

Question 2: "Did anything this week feel like cultural friction between us?"

Why This Question Matters:

Cultural friction often operates below the surface. This question brings it into the open, where it can be addressed rather than accumulating into resentment.

The Intercultural Angle:

This question is specifically designed for intercultural couples. It acknowledges that cultural differences will create friction—that's normal—and provides regular space to process it.

Example Responses:

• "When your parents called during dinner again, I felt frustrated. I know in your family, you always answer, but in mine, dinner was sacred time."

• "I noticed some tension around how we're planning the holiday. I think we might be bringing different expectations."

• "Actually, this was a smooth week culturally. Nothing stood out."

If Friction Comes Up:

This check-in isn't the place for deep problem-solving. Name the friction, acknowledge it, and decide whether it needs further conversation outside the check-in.

Question 3: "Is there anything you need from me that you're not getting?"

Why This Question Matters:

Unmet needs, unexpressed, become resentments. This question creates regular opportunity to voice needs before they become problems.

The Intercultural Angle:

Partners from different cultures often have different expectations about what should be "obvious" and what needs to be asked for. This question bypasses those assumptions and asks directly.

Example Responses:

• "I need more physical affection. This week felt distant physically, and I missed that connection."

• "I need some time to myself this weekend. Not because anything is wrong—I just need to recharge."

• "I need you to be more proactive about planning time with my family. I feel like I'm always the one initiating."

• "Honestly, I feel pretty good. I can't think of anything I'm missing right now."

How to Respond:

Hear the need without defending yourself. Don't explain why you haven't met it—just receive the information. Discuss solutions later if needed.

For help expressing needs, see our guide on I-Statements for Cultural Differences.

Question 4: "How are we doing—really?"

Why This Question Matters:

This open-ended question invites an honest assessment of the relationship. It surfaces concerns that might not fit the other questions.

The Intercultural Angle:

Some cultures are more comfortable with direct relationship assessment than others. If this question feels uncomfortable for one partner, approach gently and reassure that honesty is welcome.

Example Responses:

• "I think we're in a good place. This week felt connected. I'm grateful for us."

• "I'm a little worried. We've been so busy that I feel like we're losing each other. Can we talk about slowing down?"

• "I've been feeling distant from you, and I'm not sure why. I don't have a specific complaint—just a general sense of disconnection."

• "Really good, actually. Better than last month. I think the work we've been doing is paying off."

What This Question Reveals:

Sometimes one partner thinks everything is fine while the other is struggling. This question surfaces those disconnects early.

Question 5: "Is there anything from your cultural background you want to share or need honored this week?"

Why This Question Matters:

This question explicitly centers culture. It invites each partner to bring their heritage into the relationship actively, rather than only addressing culture when it causes friction.

The Intercultural Angle:

This is the most specifically intercultural question. It creates space for cultural sharing, not just cultural problem-solving.

Example Responses:

• "My grandfather's death anniversary is Wednesday. In my culture, we take time to remember those who have passed. I'd like us to light a candle together."

• "I want to cook a dish from my childhood this weekend. Would you be interested in helping me make it?"

• "I've been feeling disconnected from my heritage lately. I'm not sure what I need, but I wanted to name that."

• "Nothing specific this week, but thanks for asking. It matters that you check in about this."

How This Question Builds:

Over time, this question builds a habit of cultural sharing. It normalizes heritage as part of your ongoing relationship, not just a historical footnote.

Making the Most of Your Check-Ins

Keep It Consistent

The power is in the ritual. Skipping weeks weakens the habit. Protect this time like any important appointment.

Adapt as Needed

If a question isn't serving you, adjust it. These are starting points, not sacred formulas.

Balance Depth and Brevity

Some weeks you'll have a lot to discuss. Others, not much. Let the check-in be short when life is smooth. Don't manufacture issues.

Don't Make It Therapy

Check-ins surface topics for deeper conversation, but they're not the place for deep processing. If something big comes up, schedule time to discuss it fully.

Celebrate the Practice

Acknowledge when the check-in goes well. Recognize that showing up, week after week, is an investment in your marriage.

When Check-Ins Reveal Bigger Issues

Sometimes weekly check-ins surface patterns that need more attention:

• Repeated cultural frictions around the same issue

• Persistent unmet needs that don't resolve

• Growing sense that the relationship isn't doing well

This is the check-in doing its job—revealing what needs attention. When patterns emerge, take them seriously. Consider:

• A longer, dedicated conversation about the pattern

• One of our at-home couples therapy exercises

• Professional support from a therapist who understands intercultural dynamics

See our article on Signs You Need Couples Therapy if you're unsure whether outside help would benefit you.

Your Action Plan

This Week:

1. Discuss the concept with your partner.

2. Choose a regular day and time for weekly check-ins.

3. Hold your first check-in using these five questions.

First Month:

1. Complete four check-ins without skipping.

2. Notice what you learn about each other.

3. Adjust questions or format if needed.

Ongoing:

1. Protect check-in time as a non-negotiable ritual.

2. Track patterns that emerge across weeks.

3. Celebrate the relationship maintenance you're doing.

The Questions That Keep You Close

Sharisse and I have asked each other these questions hundreds of times. The answers change. Life changes. We change.

But the practice remains: weekly, intentionally, we turn toward each other and ask. We don't let weeks pass in assumption. We don't let friction accumulate. We don't let appreciation go unexpressed.

Five questions. Thirty minutes. A marriage that stays close even when life pulls in different directions.

Your intercultural marriage deserves this investment. Start this week.

For more check-in tools, explore our marriage meeting agenda, conversation starters, and journal prompts.