Praying Together: Creating a Shared Prayer Ritual for Intercultural Couples
- Marvin Lucas
- Aug 28
- 6 min read
"Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." — Matthew 18:19
The Intimacy of Shared Prayer
Few things create intimacy like praying together. When you pray with your spouse, you're vulnerable before God together. You're expressing your deepest hopes and fears. You're aligning your hearts toward something larger than yourselves.
But for intercultural couples, praying together isn't always simple. You may come from different prayer traditions. Your prayer languages may differ—literally or figuratively. What feels natural to you may feel foreign to your spouse.
Sharisse and I had to learn to pray together. Puerto Rican Catholic prayer tradition and British-American Protestant prayer tradition have different flavors. Finding our shared prayer language took time and intentionality.
This guide will help you create a shared prayer ritual that works for your intercultural marriage.
Understanding Prayer Differences
Cultural Influences on Prayer
Culture shapes how we pray.
Formal vs. informal:
Some traditions use written, liturgical prayers. Others favor spontaneous, conversational prayer.
Individual vs. communal:
Some cultures emphasize private prayer. Others assume prayer is primarily communal.
Silent vs. spoken:
Some traditions value silent contemplation. Others expect verbal expression.
Body involvement:
Some traditions involve physical postures—kneeling, prostration, raised hands. Others are more physically reserved.
Length and intensity:
Cultural expectations about prayer duration and emotional intensity vary.
Recognizing Your Differences
For yourself:
How were you taught to pray?
What feels most natural in prayer?
What prayer styles feel uncomfortable?
What's essential vs. cultural preference?
For your spouse:
How were they taught to pray?
What feels natural to them?
Where do your prayer styles diverge?
What might feel foreign about your style?
Common Divergences
She prays out loud; he prefers silence.
Different comfort with verbal expression.
He uses formal prayers; she's spontaneous.
Different relationships to structure.
She's demonstrative; he's reserved.
Different physical and emotional expression.
He prays briefly; she prays at length.
Different expectations about duration.
Building Your Shared Practice
Step 1: Discuss Your Prayer Backgrounds
Before building together, understand where you each come from.
Conversation guide:
"What was prayer like in your family growing up?"
"How do you usually pray on your own?"
"What do you find meaningful in prayer?"
"What feels awkward or uncomfortable?"
"What would you like our prayer together to look like?"
Step 2: Identify Common Ground
Find what you share.
Universal elements:
Most prayer traditions include gratitude, petition (asking), intercession (praying for others), and some form of connection with the divine.
Shared values:
What aspects of prayer do you both find meaningful?
Acceptable to both:
What prayer practices could you both engage authentically?
Step 3: Create Your Format
Design a prayer practice that works for both.
Options to consider:
Structured or spontaneous
Silent or spoken
Brief or extended
Morning, evening, or another time
Who leads, or shared leadership
Physical elements (holding hands, kneeling, etc.)
Example formats:
Brief morning prayer together before the day
Evening prayer recapping the day
Mealtime prayers
Weekly extended prayer time
Prayer walks together
Step 4: Start Simple
Begin with something manageable.
Principles:
Better to maintain something small than abandon something ambitious
Start with what both can do comfortably
Build gradually over time
Don't aim for perfection
Simple starting point:
Hold hands briefly each morning. One person offers a sentence prayer. Done. That's a start.
Step 5: Evolve Together
Your prayer practice should grow.
Over time:
Add new elements
Go deeper
Try different approaches
Adjust what doesn't work
Practical Prayer Formats
Morning Prayer
A brief prayer to start the day together.
Format:
Moment of quiet together
Brief prayer for the day
Mutual blessing
Example:
Wake up. Hold hands before getting out of bed. One person prays: "Lord, be with us today. Help us in our work. Keep us connected. Amen." Exchange "I love you." Begin the day.
Time: 2-5 minutes
Evening Prayer
A prayer to close the day together.
Format:
Share gratitude from the day
Share one concern
Pray for each other
Rest
Example:
Before sleep, each person shares one thing they're grateful for and one thing weighing on them. Pray briefly for each other's concerns. Rest.
Time: 5-10 minutes
Mealtime Prayer
Prayer before meals.
Format:
Pause before eating
Express thanks
Eat together
Example:
Hold hands around the table. One person offers thanks—formal or informal. Eat. Rotate who prays.
Time: 1-2 minutes
Weekly Extended Prayer
Longer prayer time together once weekly.
Format:
Longer time set aside (30-60 minutes)
May include scripture reading
More extensive prayer—praise, confession, intercession
Discussion of spiritual life
Example:
Sunday morning or Saturday evening, set aside time for extended spiritual connection. Read scripture together. Discuss what you're learning. Pray more extensively.
Time: 30-60 minutes
Prayer Walking
Praying while walking together.
Format:
Take a walk together
Pray as you walk—out loud or silently
Intersperse conversation and prayer
Example:
Evening walk in the neighborhood. Notice needs around you. Pray for neighbors. Pray for each other. Let conversation and prayer flow naturally.
Time: 20-40 minutes
When Prayer Styles Differ
Finding Middle Ground
When your prayer styles diverge significantly:
Hybrid approach:
Create something that draws from both traditions. Some structure, some spontaneity. Some silence, some speaking.
Alternating approach:
Take turns leading prayer in your own style. Learn to participate in each other's style.
New approach:
Create something that's neither traditional style—something uniquely yours.
When One Is More Verbal
The verbal partner:
Practice patience with silence
Don't fill every space with words
Value non-verbal spiritual connection
Create space for quieter partner
The quieter partner:
Stretch toward some verbal expression
Communicate non-verbally if needed
Don't judge partner's verbal style
Find ways to participate even if not leading
When Comfort Levels Differ
The more comfortable partner:
Be patient with partner's growth
Don't push too hard
Create safety for vulnerability
Celebrate small steps
The less comfortable partner:
Be honest about discomfort
Commit to stretching gradually
Communicate what helps and what doesn't
Give yourself grace
Deepening Your Prayer Life
Growing Together
As your shared prayer practice establishes:
Add depth:
More honest sharing
Deeper requests
Greater vulnerability
More extended time
Add variety:
Different types of prayer
Different times and places
Different formats
Add consistency:
Move toward daily practice
Make it non-negotiable
Create rituals that anchor it
Prayer for Your Marriage
Make your marriage a regular subject of prayer.
Pray together for:
Your relationship
Your communication
Your challenges
Your intercultural navigation
Your future together
Prayer Through Difficulty
Shared prayer is especially powerful during hard times.
When struggling:
Pray together even when you're in conflict
Bring your marriage concerns to God together
Let prayer soften hard hearts
Trust the process even when it's hard
Common Obstacles
Obstacle: No Time
Life is busy. Prayer gets squeezed out.
Solution:
Make it brief enough to maintain
Tie it to existing routine (wake up, meals, bedtime)
Protect the time intentionally
Start with just one minute
Obstacle: Feels Awkward
Praying together feels unnatural.
Solution:
Acknowledge the awkwardness
Keep practicing—it gets easier
Start with simple, low-vulnerability prayer
Build gradually to deeper expression
Obstacle: Different Languages
You literally speak different languages.
Solution:
Pray in shared language if you have one
Pray in your own languages (you can still participate)
Learn some prayer words in each other's language
Silent prayer together transcends language
Obstacle: One Partner Isn't Into It
Your spouse is reluctant.
Solution:
Don't force or guilt
Start with what they're willing to do
Make it as non-threatening as possible
Model without demanding
Obstacle: Schedules Don't Align
You're not together at natural prayer times.
Solution:
Find the time that works (even if unconventional)
Phone/video prayer when apart
Brief connection whenever possible
Weekly extended time when daily isn't possible
Special Circumstances
When You Have Different Faiths
If you don't share faith tradition but want to pray together:
Options:
Focus on shared values (gratitude, hope, love)
Use language that works for both
Silent reflection together
Each person prays from their tradition
When One Partner Isn't Religious
If one partner is religious and one isn't:
Options:
The religious partner can share about prayer without requiring participation
Shared gratitude practice (doesn't require specific faith)
Meditation or silence together
Respect difference while maintaining individual practice
When Faith Has Changed
If one partner's faith has shifted:
Options:
Renegotiate what prayer looks like
Find new practices that work now
Allow for individual practices
Stay connected spiritually at whatever level is authentic
Your Action Plan
This Week
Discuss your prayer backgrounds with your spouse.
Choose one simple prayer format to try.
Try it at least three times.
This Month
Evaluate: What's working? What isn't?
Adjust the format as needed.
Establish a consistent rhythm.
Ongoing
Maintain your shared prayer practice.
Gradually deepen and expand it.
Let prayer strengthen your marriage.
The Prayer That Connects
Sharisse and I have prayed together for thirty years. Not perfectly. Not consistently every single day. But persistently. We've developed our shared language. We've found our rhythm. Prayer has become part of who we are as a couple.
I can tell you: it matters. Praying together has connected us in ways nothing else does. It's gotten us through hard seasons. It's deepened our intimacy. It's oriented our marriage toward something larger than ourselves.
Your shared prayer practice can create the same connection. It doesn't have to be perfect or impressive or long. It just has to be yours—authentic, sustainable, and shared.
Start praying together. Your spiritually connected marriage awaits.
For more on faith in marriage, see our Complete Guide to Faith & Spiritual Connection, praying for your spouse, and spiritual intimacy in marriage.
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